The Totally Made Up 2023 Horror Movie Awards
What a treat this year has been for the horror genre.
The classics were revisitied and reimagined.
New storytellers made waves with creative tales and creative approaches to telling those tales.
Clowns continued their successful run as the scariest childhood avatar in horror.
Filmmakers took turns overloading our senses and robbing us of them.
And, sadly, movie marketing decisions remained confounding.
Who releases family-friendly horror movies in August? Why use a ‘90s rock staple to promote a film set a century beforehand? If anyone has a contact at the Ministry of Movie Trailers, I’d like a word.
To celebrate some of the magical horror movie moments of the year, I am delighted to announce the winners of the 2023 Totally-Made-Up Horror Awards!
Best Use of Kitchenware – Evil Dead Rise
Notably, strong consideration was given to Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving, but after sitting through a two-hour PowerPoint presentation debating if electrically operated appliances can be classified as ‘kitchenware’, the judges declared Evil Dead Rise the winner for their use of the cheese grater.
Best Lead Actor in a Comedy – Russell Crowe, The Pope’s Exorcist
Has there ever been such a joyful, buoyant character in a horror movie?
The Mobius Strip Award – Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor
No clownin’ around - Hell House LLC returned to form with its 4th entry.
This award is a rare achievement. How many films do you know that are simultaneously a sequel within an existing franchise and serve us up a prequel? The franchise returned to its best form with this entry by giving us a glimpse of life after the destruction of the Abaddon Hotel, while expanding the geographic footprint of the story and focusing our attention on how it all started. What writer/director Stephen Cognetti has been able to create with some clown mannequins across four films is a lesson in encouragement for us all.
The Lili Taylor Award (Best Performance by an Actress Who You Should Never Trust Under Any Circumstance) - Mia Goth, Infinity Pool
It doesn’t matter how kind she appears at the start of a film. She is going to mess you up.
The ‘Hit Me Baby, One More Time’ Award – Mike P. Nelson, V/H/S/85
V/H/S/85 was a lot of fun, and the other 3 stories (Total Copy, TKNGOD and God of Death) are creatively exciting, yet Mike P. Nelson’s two stories ‘No Wake’ and ‘Ambrosia’ left us wanting a third chapter to explore the intersection of those two tales. In particular, ‘No Wake’ delivers some of the most realistic, terrifying few minutes of found footage horror that it is somewhat of a relief when the story shifts to the supernatural.
Best Dialogue – No One Will Save You
The Lizzie Borden Award – When Evil Lurks
*Editor’s Note: Yes, that axe scene is part of the trailer. Yes, that axe scene is used in the marketing material. No, I was still not prepared for how Demián Rugna was going to capture it.
Best Mirror Work – The Haunting of the Queen Mary
It is hard to beat the chilling effectiveness of a good mirror reflection scene in a horror film.
The ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’ Award – M. Night Shyamalan, Knock at the Cabin
In a surprise twist, the award for placing trust in a filmmaker to not let us down, goes to the director with a spotty track record for meeting audience expectations. Like many people who read the novel, The Cabin at the End of the World, I was not eager to see this film. As soon as Dave Bautista and Kristen Cui meet, AKA the start of the film, I wanted out. The book is quite depressing and so, so dark. Happily, Shyamalan lands the plane by making one key change to the events from the book, while giving us beautiful cinematography and sustaining a claustrophobic tension.
Your Spandex Doesn’t Scare Me Award – Ghost joggers, Bad Things
Okay, maybe I am slightly embarrassed to have owned those outfits.
The “I Have Questions” Award – Dark Harvest
This fun little seasonal surprise dropped in October and, while enjoyable, left us with many, many questions. Where exactly is this town? Is it nothing but corn fields between them and the next town? How do they get non-corn items without outsiders learning about The Run? How are there so many teenagers available every year to participate in The Run? How often has the three-day lockdown backfired on parents?
Is this a world where pesticides and fertilizer are undiscovered, because, you know, the town could just try using them for a season to keep the crops healthy.
2023 Horror Hottie: Patrick Dempsey, Thanksgiving
*Editor’s Note: Because we deserve nice things too.
‘Thank You for Giving Me What I Didn’t Know I Needed’ Award - Mike Flannagan and team, The Fall of the House of Usher
This award includes some of the following things I didn’t know I needed:
Enter the Masque of the Red Death.
Fireside chats with Carl Lumbly and Bruce Greenwood
Even more time with Carla Gugino
All the versions of Madeline!
Another Brick in the Wall
The mirror sequence
Rethinking my New Year’s Eve resolutions
Carla and Bruce together again on screen
The pendulum (most satisfying death of 2023?)
Napoleon
Verna telling us about the predatory traits of a domestic cat
White-haired Kate Siegel
The unravelling of T’Nai
Carla entering the party as The Masque of the Red Death
Scariest Horror Moment - the trailer for Civil War
If ever there was a filmmaker who unapologetically goes for it in the third act, like, really, truly goes for it, Alex Garland fits that bill. His films are slow burns that keep building the suspense until they explode into bizarre sequences such as Natalie Portman battling her spandex-clad doppleganger or Rory Kinnear birthing himself. Repeatedly. I was expecting this same eerie, tense energy in the Civil War trailer. Instead, I got the scariest horror moment of the year.
Have your own idea for a 2023 Totally-Made-Up Horror Award? Add your thoughts in the comments below.
